


Scars

by galaxyblueflame



Series: Boyf riends oneshots [5]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Bullying, Child Abuse, F/M, Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2018-12-13 01:25:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11749224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxyblueflame/pseuds/galaxyblueflame
Summary: Michael was a pretty damaged kid, at least in his eyes. He was abused by his father, hated for who he was, bullied for being gay. He stayed strong though, because he had a lifeboat. His lifeboat was his best friend Jeremy, the person who always helped him, the only one who cared, the person he loved. Until one day, he didn't even have that. Michael was all alone, and without his lifeboat he was drowning.





	1. Scars

Michael had been going through some bad things all his life. He had an abusive father, he was bullied, but that was okay, because Jeremy was there for him. He knew he shouldn't depend so much on somebody, but he couldn't help it. Then she came along. Christine canigula. Don't get him wrong, she was the sweetest little thing ever, it's just she seemed to take Jeremy away from him. They were dating and Jeremy started spending all his time with her. Then one day, it really hit Michael that he was all alone.

 

He was in the school bathroom, touching up his foundation. His father left a pretty nasty bruise on the side of his face, and he had to make sure it was covered up. Michael didn't want to worry people, especially Jeremy. He had just finished gym, so the makeup started to come off. As he was fixing it, he heard the door open. Michael ignored it though, wanting to just hurry and finish this so he could go meet up with Jeremy. Jeremy had promised they'd hang out today and play some video games. He said he missed Michael and that he was going to stay all weekend. Michael was so excited he could barely sleep last night.

 

"Well if it isn't the little fag?" A familiar voice taunted. Michael froze, too scared to move. "What's this? You wear makeup?!" Kurt snorted, slapping his friends arm. Ram looked over at Michael like he wasn't even human. That look of disgust he was familiar with, his dad gave him the same look when he came out as gay.

 

"I knew you were homo but that's just ridiculous." Ram scoffed. Kurt nodded, smirking down at Michael. He was shaking now, feeling his heart race. "Why don't we teach him a lesson huh Kurt? About how fags aren't welcomed here."

 

"That's genius!" Kurt cackled, agreeing quickly. Michael's eyes glanced all around, trying to find an escape route. He took his chances, making a dash for the bathroom door. Kurt shouted in surprise, stumbling back as Michael shoved him to get past. He was so close to the door, only for his hood to get yanked back. Michael gagged, choking. ' _That'll leave a mark...'_ He thought absentmindedly, glancing up slowly. There, kurts face was a bright red. "You little bitch." He hissed, cracking his knuckles. He turned to his friend, muttering deadly, "I get the first hit." Ram smirked, nodding. Michael whimpered, backing up, his back colliding with the wall.

 

Kurt stalked ahead, gripping Michael's hoodie and pulling him close. He flinched at the smell of alcohol and cigarettes lingering on kurts breath. ' _Guess he never heard of a breath mint_.' He slammed Michael back against the tiled wall. He hissed as his head banged against the linoleum, a headache already blooming. He blinked back the tears, shivering. Kurt lifted his arm, bringing his fist down on Michael's face. A familiar metallic taste filled Michael's mouth, pain spreading across his jaw. He whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut. Kurt laughed at this, enjoying Michael's suffering. He dropped Michael to the ground, leering over him. Michael grabbed his legs, rolling into the fetal position. Kick after kick came, soon joined in with punching and any other form of punishment Kurt and ram could think of. At some point Michael must have blacked out, because when he was coming to his senses they were leaving. They shoved each other and laughed, talking about the next girl they'll bang, completely ignoring the broken form of the boy they left behind.

 

Everything hurt, Michael knew he was going to have a lot more bruises. He slowly sat up, wheezing in pain, clutching his stomach. Tears stung his eyes, as he fished out his phone. He dialed up Jeremy, listening to the phone ring. He heard the click of the call getting answered, relief filling his heart.

 

"Jeremy Thank God-" Michael was cut off by Jeremy apologizing profusely.

 

"Michael buddy I'm so sorry!! Christine really wanted to see this play, apparently she already bought the tickets so I couldn't say no!! I'm really truly sorry, we'll hang out next weekend okay?? I promise I'll make it up to you!!" He rushed out. Michael physically felt his heart break at that. He could hear Christine giggling, gushing about the play. He blinked back tears, forcing a painful laugh.

 

"Oh ye-yeah totally!! It's alright, go have fun with your girlfriend bro!" Michael pretended to sound happy, and not like he was choking back tears. Apparently Jeremy bought it though, as he quickly said goodbye and hang up. Michael's arm went limp, dropping the phone. He laughed, the tears falling freely now. He ran his fingers through his hair, tugging. "I'm so pathetic, god I'm such a loser!" He screamed, banging his head back against the wall. Michael sobbed, he throat burning from it all.

 

After a while the tears stopped, leaving a numbing sensation. Michael just stared at the stalls, only one thought really ran through his mind. ' _I want to die so badly right now. Why can't I just disappear? It's not like anybody would notice or care_.'

 

Almost like he was on autopilot, he got up and headed to his discarded backpack. He chuckled bitterly at the seemingly innocent 'riends' that was written across it. Michael searched through his bag, dumping the contents out. A clatter of books and random utensils spilled over. He searched frantically through them, until he found what he was looking for. It was a tiny plastic pencil sharpener. Smashing it repeatedly, panic started building up inside Michael. He wanted-no  _needed_  that blade! Slowly but surely, the cheap plastic started to splinter and break apart. Some bits dug into Michael's skin, making him bleed but he didn't care. Finally, it shattered and he could grab the razor free. His heart pounded as he held the small metal razor in his hands. Was he really going to do this? Shakily rolling up his left sleeve, he held the cold blade to his wrist. With a quick intake of breath he sliced. He didn't even register the pain, continuing his slashes all across his arm. Eventually, his hand refused to cut as the burning feeling took place. He dropped the razor, looking down at his injured arm. Michael watched as beads of red trickled down his arm. He never really understood why people would self harm. If he was being honest, Michael always thought it was idiotic to ruin a perfectly good body, to inflict pain on to yourself! He could say he understood now. It released all that pent up emotion, all the sadness and anger and loneliness he felt. With a few slashes, it was all gone, only leaving a soft buzzing in his head.

 

He heard the final bell ring, snapping him out of his trance. Realization sunk in about what exactly he had just done. Did he regret it though? Not one bit. He hurriedly washed his arm off, flinching from the burning sensation it made, and rolled down his sleeve. Michael shoveled the rest of his stuff back into his bag, placing the blade in his front pocket. He wanted to keep it secure, just in case.

 

The razor eventually became his new best friend. Jeremy practically forgot about Michael, his head filled with only Christine. Michael felt so alone, even more than he did when the squip happened. Depression slowly ate away at him, his mind only full of darkness. His arms and legs littered with scars, old and new. He just wanted to get rid of that sadness inside of him, and for a bit, the cuts did make the dark cloud fade away, but then it came back even worse. Michael was always insecure about his looks, his body, but now more than ever. Now, he was some freak with disgusting jagged lines all over him. He hated himself for self harming, but he hated himself even more for being unable to stop.

 

It's been a couple months since the bathroom incident, Michael was panicking. Jeremy wanted to actually hang out with him, go to watch the new Spider-Man movie. He was always Jeremy's favorite superhero. Michael hadn't properly hung out with Jeremy since-well he couldn't actually remember? His anxiety was spiked up because of this. What if he messes it up? ' _Oh god I hope he doesn't find out I harmed myself_.' Michael had fresh wounds all over his arms, even some on his legs. He had to move weird, unable to bend a certain way as the injuries were still very tender. Any little bump and it burned like crazy.

 

Michael heard his father yell for him, making him flinch.   
"Michael get your ass up here, your friend wants you!" He rushed up the stairs, seeing his dad lay on the couch, drinking some beer. ' _That's going to be fun to deal with later_ ' Walking to the door, he saw Jeremy standing on the porch awkwardly.

 

"Hey long time no see!" Michael smiled, some underlying bitterness there. Jeremy just beamed, not noticing Michael's tension. He quickly pulled Michael in a hug, taking the boy off guard. He accidentally hit Michael's arm, making him flinch and bite his lip in pain. Jeremy pulled back, looking concerned.

 

"Michael? Are you okay??" He asked, looking up and down Michael to see if he could spot something that would have hurt the shorter one. Michael felt self conscious under that gaze, fear that Jeremy would somehow see through his clothes and see all the scars.

 

"Oh yeah dude, just caught me by surprise!" He smiled falsely, adding a little laugh to sell it. Jeremy seemed to not buy it, but letting it go. He decided Michael will tell him when he's ready to. The teens go over to the tiny red car, driving off to the theater.

 

Arriving there, Michael was even more anxious than before. It's been a long time since he's been around this many people besides at school. He felt like they were all looking at him. Michael wrapped his arms around him uncomfortably, freezing when his cuts brushed together. He quickly dropped his arms, trying to seem casual-  _like he wasn't in pain_. Honestly, he should be used to the pain by now, but it's not something you get used to. He hated it, it was like a constant mockery of what he did. It constantly reminded him that he was so fucked up.

 

"I can't wait to see the movie, it'll be awesome!" Jeremy blabbed, turning to Michael. He frowned, seeing him not paying attention. The boy was glancing around, fiddling with the bottom of his sleeves. "Michael?" He asked softly, touching his arm. That made Michael jolt, looking over to him in fear, sighing softly when seeing it was just Jeremy.

 

"Yeah yeah totally bro!" He rushed, nodding along. Michael had no idea what Jeremy said, but if he agreed it seemed like he did. He ignored Jeremy's concerned look, heading over towards the ticket booth. Jeremy just watched at his best friend seemed to hurry around. There was something obviously bothering the boy, and Jeremy wanted to find out. They're best friends, they share everything with each other!

 

He grabbed Michael's arm to turn him around, only to get a light yelp from him. ' _Was there something wrong with his arm_?' Jeremy dropped his arm, grabbing his hand instead. Ignoring the flutter in his heart, he drags Michael away into the theater bathroom. Locking the door, he turns to Michael. The boy seemed ready to have a panic attack.

 

"What happened to your arm mikey?" Jeremy frowned, crossing his arms. That question seemed to only make Michael worse, as he backed up into a corner wanting to get far away from Jeremy.

 

"Wh-what are you talking about bro?? Nothing's wrong with my arm!!" He chuckled nervously, trying his hardest to play it off as if he was fine. Jeremy felt hurt that his best buddy wouldn't share something with him.

 

"That's bullshit Michael, you're clearly in pain! Did Kurt and ram do something?! Was it your dad?" He murmured, worried for his friend. Jeremy hadn't noticed any of them hurting Michael lately, so he had thought they stopped.

 

"Yeah yes totally!! Yeah I'm just a bit bruised is all, no big deal!" Michael quickly agreed, nodding. He felt calm, thinking he could get away with this.

 

Jeremy's heart hurt at seeing Michael obviously lying to him.  
"Let me see." He said, reaching out for Michael's arm. He wanted to know what was wrong, he was worried! Michael moved his arm away quickly, fear in his eyes.

 

" _No_!" He shouted, seeming to curl more into himself. He felt like he was trapped, like everything was falling apart. All he could think of was ' _Jeremy's going to find out, Jeremy's going to find out,_ ** _jeremysgoingtofindout!!!'_**

 

"Michael I'm worried, just show me your arm!" He didn't know why Michael looked so terrified.  _Was he scared of him_? Michael shook his head, tears gathering in his eyes. Jeremy reached out one more time, gripping Michael's arm. He didn't put up a fight, finding it all useless. The tears ran freely now, his body wracking with sobs. Jeremy pushed up his sleeve, gasping at the sight. He let go of Michael's arm in fear, but the image wouldn't leave his mind. Deep gashes lines Michael's arm, looking to be infinite. He couldn't believe Michael would do that to himself, to harm himself.  
"Michael why didn't you tell me? We're best friends, you could have  _talked_  to me!" He choked out, wanting to cry.

 

"Best friends Jeremy? Really?" Michael laughed harshly, glaring at the scared boy in front of him. "We aren't best friends Jeremy." He stated, his voice wavering. Jeremy looked hurt, opening his mouth to talk. Michael didn't give him the chance though, no it was  _his_  turn to talk. It was finally time for Jeremy to actually  _listen_  to him. "Best friends don't leave their friends in need for some girl! You left me Jeremy!! When I needed you the most, you were off too busy with your precious Christine! You were my only person jere!! And just like that, you were gone!! That just showed how important I was!"Michael yelled, voice cracking as fresh tears rolled down his face. Jeremy stood there, frozen in shock. "Favorite person my ass. I can't believe I actually loved you." He scoffed, walking passed Jeremy. He still stood in his spot, wrapping his mind around everything. Like a wave, it all came crashing down at once. It was his fault Michael was like this, he left him!  _Michael loved him_... He starts moving, running towards the doors. He looked around, trying to find Michael. He was nowhere to be seen. Running outside, Jeremy spotted that the pt cruiser was gone.

 

Michael speeded down the road, blinking to try and clear the tears. He couldn't see anything, but he didn't care. Everything was over. Jeremy knew. He knew everything, his injuries, he feelings. Michael really fucked up this time. His body shook as he broke down more and more. Lights flashed in front of him, his eyes widening. They were car headlights. Jerking his wheel to the side, his car spun out of control. It swerved off the road, speeding down a hill. Michael screamed, trying his best to stop the car but nothing was working. His car crashed against a tree, making him fling everywhere. Michael's head collided with the window, glass cutting into his head. His body was forced into the steering wheel, a very disgusting crack rang through the air. Michael whimpered, trying to move to call for help but his body refused. Black was quickly covering his vision, and no matter how hard he fought against it, it was useless. He thought that this was it. He was going to go out because of a fucking tree, what a pathetic way to go out. Before being completely absorbed in nothingness, he had one final thought. ' _Death doesn't seem too bad_.'


	2. Chapter 2

There was the faint sound of beeping drifting through the sterile room. Jeremy sat hunched over on a chair next to Michael's bed, clutching the coma-induced boy. It shattered his heart to see him like this, sickly pale and bandaged up. Jeremy thought he had lost him, but he hadn't. Michael was stable, it will be okay.... or that's what he keeps telling himself. The doctors aren't sure when or even if Michael will ever wake up, and if he does they can't guarantee he'll have his memories. The thought of Michael forgetting him physically hurt him. After he felt what it would be like to lose his riend was when he realized just how much he needed him, how much he loved him. Like the saying goes, you never know what you have until it's gone. So here Jeremy sat, lightly having his fingers laced with the delicate seeming boy. He had been there every single day, barely eating nor showering. He couldn't focus on anything but the broken boy in front of him. Jeremy couldn't stop beating himself up for doing this to Michael. Guilt ate up at him, making him lose sleep.

 

Just when he went up to leave, he felt the light twitch of fingers. His head whipped up, gasping. He swore michaels fingers just moved, but as time went on with nothing happening, doubt filled him.  
"M-Michael....?" He spoke up hesitantly, voice cracking from lack of use, "Michael please...." he whimpered, feeling hope drain from his body. 'This is it, I'm finally going insane.' As he was about to give up though, he saw Michael's pointer finger move ever so slightly. It wasn't much, but it was enough to make Jeremy lose his breath. He instantly sat back on the hard chair, clutching his riends hand tightly. "Michael if you can hear me, please please wake up. I know you're still there, cmon buddy just wake up!"

 

-=+=- michael -=+=-

 

Michael stared into the nothingness that surrounded him, wandering around aimlessly. It felt like he was drifting for hours, yet it didn't seem like he even moved an inch. He hated whatever this desolate place was. It was so cold. Not in the needing a blanket kind of way, but an 'I'm so alone' emptiness kind of cold. Michael hated it. How much he just wished he was back in his basement, playing some crappy x-box game with Jeremy. Michael doesn't remember much, doesn't know how he got to this hell, but he does remember Jeremy. He'd never forget someone as important as Jeremy.

 

Though it seemed helpless, Michael continued to walk amongst the darkness. Honestly, he was here for so long he felt like he, too, was the nothingness. He jumped as there was an echo piercing the quietness of this place. He couldn't make out what it was saying, but it sounded so sad. Michael looked around urgently, trying to make out where the voice was coming from. Once he heard it again, he started sprinting towards where he hoped it was. He wasn't sure if he was making any progress, but he didn't care. All Michael wanted to do was go to that person.

 

As he got closer, the voice seemed to get clearer. If he was thinking rationally, he might have thought how creepy this all was.   
"Michael...."  
It was his name. The voice was calling for him. Why did it sound so sad though? The voice sounded so miserable. What had Michael done to make someone sound that broken? With those paralyzing thoughts, he froze to his spot. He wasn't so sure if he wanted to keep going, scared he wouldn't like what he found. He could just stay here, it wasn't so bad. At least here, he wouldn't be hurt. But as the voice pleaded for him, he couldn't continue to deny it any longer. He didn't know the owner of the voice, but he felt so compelled to help that person. So, he hesitantly pushes forward, continuing his path towards it. As he heard the person whispering encouraging words, it kept him moving. Michael started slowing down, noticing how everything started going darker.  _Oh_. He thought. It wasn't the place that was getting darker, but his vision. Fear spiked his heart at he seemed to stumble around, unable to keep his eyes open. The only comfort was the voice. It seemed to wrap him in a warmth this place lacked. As his eyes started to drift off, he finally remembered why the voice was familiar.

 

-=+=- Jeremy -=+=-

 

"Jere?"

 

He felt like crying. That was Michael, he was up. Jeremy's mind was a blur, all that he could think was  _He's okay. Michaels okay. He's up, oh my god he's actually up_.  The boys vision blurred as he flung himself at Michael. He sobbed into his chest, not wanting to let go. He heard Michael murmur in confused worry. He didn't say anything though, just wanting to continue holding only his riend. Jeremy was afraid that if he let go, he might lose him again.

 

"You're alive, you're actually alive!" His voice wavering, clutching the younger boy closer to him.

 

"As much as I love getting affectionate with you bro, can you tell me where am I?" Michael said weakly, "what even happened?"

 

Jeremy didn't want to tell Michael, didn't want to relive the horribleness that was the accident.  _The accident that was my fault_. So he settled for "You're in the hospital, you-you got into a wreck."

 

As they continued to talk, Jeremy came to a realization. Michael doesn't seem to remember anything from that day, not the crash, not the confession. Nothing. It broke Jeremy's heart, yet he also felt relief. It was selfish, but he was glad Michael didn't remember what Jeremy had done to him.

 

"So uh... how's- how's Christine doing?" Michael asked, fiddling with the blanket. Jeremy noted how Michael kept it covering his body, trying to hide his self harm scars. Right. He didn't know that I knew. At the mention of Christine, Jeremy flinched. They had broken up shortly after the incident. It's not that Jeremy didn't love her, because he did, he just loved Michael so much more.

 

"Oh we sort of broke up....." He trailed off awkwardly, not really knowing what to say. Michaels eyes shown a mix of emotions, frowning slightly.

 

"Oh I'm so sorry dude." He mumbled sadly, looking down. Jeremy shook his head, hesitantly grabbing michaels hand.

 

"It's okay, we broke up mutually. She seemed to think we were better off as friends and I-well.... let's just say you don't realize just how much you love somebody until you almost lose them....." Jeremy slowly stated, looking everywhere but at Michael.

 

"Wait....jere.....are-are you saying what I think you're saying....?" Michael wavered, seeming scared that he was wrong. Jeremy just nodded, too embarrassed to speak. He just confessed to his best friend, who literally just got out of a coma. See, Jeremy knows tact.

 

-=+=- Michael -=+=-

 

Michaels mind was racing, looking at the blushing boy next to him. He wasn't really sure how to react. Yes, he's loved Jeremy for years, but.... He also remembered all the times Jeremy had left him. The boy didn't even hesitate to abandon him, not even realizing he was still getting abused. Not even realizing he was abusing himself. Could he really forgive Jeremy for all of that? Yes he also loved Jeremy dearly, it was his dream to date him, but was that enough....?   
"Jere I-I love you too....." It pained Michael to see Jeremy sink in relief, knowing what he had to do next. "But. But I can't be with you."

 

"Wh-what? Why?" Jeremy's voice broke, a frown etched onto his face.

 

"I'm sorry, but I can't just forgive you Jeremy..... I get why you forgot I was still there when you were with Christine, I mean you had your dream girl! But that doesn't give you a pass for just leaving me. It was actually really shitty. When I used to think of you I would think of the times where you'd cradle me as I cried, trying your best to comfort me no matter how scared and uncertain you were. But that's not how it is anymore. Now I just think of all the times I tried to call you for help but you just left me, didn't even notice me. It was like you just assumed it all had stopped jere! Just because I stop mentioning these things to you, it doesn't mean it magically went away! It just means you stopped caring enough to notice. And I can't just forget those things Jeremy. I-i was so alone jere!" Michael broke down, covering his face with his trembling hands. He'd finally said what was on his mind, never thinking he'd go through with confronting Jeremy on any of these things.

 

"Michael I'm-I'm so sorry but I love you! I'd never do those things intentionally! I'm so so very sorry, please I'll make it up to you! I'll never do that again. You're my player one, you know this?" Jeremy begged, pulling michaels hands away from his face. He laced their fingers together, smiling weakly up at the crying boy.

 

"Sorry doesn't fix any of this jere, theyre just hollow words. They don't magically make you there for me when you weren't, doesn't suddenly get rid of these disgusting scars! I can't forgive you Jeremy, not yet." He sobbed, frowning down at his arm at all the lines littered it.

 

Jeremy just pulled the arm towards him, kissing each scar, whispering how he was sorry over and over again. "I know Michael, I know.... but I'm still so sorry. I understand you can't forgive me yet, but I'll wait until you're ready. Even if I end up waiting forever. Because I love you." He mumbled against Michael's skin, making sure to kiss each one of these scars, knowing they all held a deep pain that would never go away. He just wished to take away some of that pain though.

 

Michael just nodded, watching Jeremy kiss his injuries. He really treasured him, his boyf, his player two. He just wasn't ready yet, couldn't bring himself to forgive him for all that he's done. Yes, he loved Jeremy so dearly, but he had to put himself first for once. "I know jere... I love you too....." He whispered sadly.


End file.
